I hate flying - everything about it. Being confined to a small space, being told what to do, being forced to sit next to random people, the food, the time .. everything. it pretty much is my least favorite thing to do. I've flown a ton over the years and have had some terrible experiences .. bags dropped on my head, flatulence, unreal body odor, continual kicking the back of my chair .. goes on and on .. just part of flying i suppose, but tonight i had a flight that simply blew away all other experiences.

Flying southwest from San Diego I am the last person to board - which of course means i get the worst seat on the plane since southwest is a first come first choose airline. anyway - i expect to have to sit in the middle between two heavy dudes - not really that big a deal since I'm pretty thin - although - not letting the middle dude (me) have the arm rest seems crazy but i digress.

My seat is between an older woman (75'ish?) and some heavy set dude who was reading the bible. not bad eh'? .. the bible dude will probably leave me alone and how bad can an older woman be? she'll probably just sleep .. which reminds me of this time some dude kept falling asleep/drooling on me - that sucked - but anyway, i have a seat and get my book out (Dune .. pretty awesome sci-fi book).

Next thing I know this lady pulls out a piece of sandpaper and starts to sand her nails down - kinda gross right? well - i figure it will stop pretty soon but instead she moves off her nails and starts to sand her skin .. what?! .. yeah - you read right .. her SKIN?! .. her fingers, her palms, her arms .. all the while flakes start flying off her into my direction. flakes of SKIN! .. at this point I think Im going to gag. I try to get into my book and pretend Im elsewhere .. then .. the pages of my book start getting covered in flakes .. flakes of .. you guessed it .. the woman's skin. I look up and it's like Im in a blizzard .. billowy white skin everywhere. I'm afraid to breath ... afraid of breathing this lady in. I hold my breath - try breathing out of my nose only - get short on breath - and have to gasp .. i literally see her skin get sucked into my mouth as i breath in. It was chalky tasting (i tried not to taste it .. but .. it was just happening).

anyway - she did this the entire flight .. so .. for 90 minutes i breathed in, chewed on, and swallowed a good percentage of this woman. I figure i am now 2% her and only 98% me.