Wow - just when i start to give up on society I hear a story like this. Pretty cool that someone turned it in and didn't take your money.

I know if I found a wallet that started speaking, asking me to take him to his owner, I'd think about selling it on ebay - talking wallets are in demand.

Wow. This is a really nice story, Steven.

My recent good-deeder story isn't quite as amazing as yours, but it also improved my impression of the latent goodness in society.

Here goes...

THE SCENE: ER.
NURSE: We have a 2 year old girl who ate a bite from a mushroom in her yard; in room 7.
JEFF: Oh, oh. Some mushrooms kill you, and some don't, and I don't think there's an easy way to figure it out until your liver starts to fail and you need a transplant. We need help from poison control.
POISON CONTROL EMERGENCY FAX: Some mushrooms kill you, and some don't, and we don't have an easy way to figure it out until your liver starts to fail and you need a transplant.
2 YEAR OLD: I was hungry. Mushroom good.
GIRL'S GRANDMA: Do we have to tell her mother about this? It's the first day of work today, and I'm the babysitter.
JEFF: Well, I think we need to call her once we know what's going on here, becuase some mushrooms kill you and some don't and....
2 YEAR OLD: Mushroom good. Want to eat some of my mushroom?
GRANDMA: I brought the mushroom in this paper bag. See her teeth marks from this bite she swallowed?
JEFF: Hmmm. Could I take that for a while?
2 YEAR OLD: My mushroom. Mushroom good. What for dinner here?

JEFF GOES TO A SMALL SIDE ROOM FILLED WITH COMPUTERS and PHONES.
JEFF: Is this the University Toxicology Fellow? Can you help me identify if the mushroom I'm holding is poisonous?
FELLOW: I'm not much of a mushroom guy, but my understanding is there aren't many poisonous mushrooms around here [ed-this is actually wrong]. Maybe you should try to goggle some mushroom pictures. But you know, it's hard to tell which ones are poisonous until your liver -
JEFF: Yeah, I got that. Thanks anyway.

FRANTIC GOOGLING FOLLOWS BY ENTIRE ER STAFF. All mushrooms seem to look remarkably similar on Google, independent of Toxicity. But, interestingly, one google hit is the Missouri Mycological Society

http://www.missourimycologicalsociety.org/contact.html

And there is a Chairman of Toxicology, Ken Gilberg. But NO phone number. Ouch.

More Googles, for Gilberg (the Smith or Jones of Judiasm, it appears), finds a local holistic soap shop called Herbaria.

http://www.herbariasoap.com/misc/post_dispatch_article.asp

KEN G. How can I help? (sounds of bubbling soap in background).
JEFF: I'm holding this mushroom with a bite out of it, that otherwise looks pretty much like a softball.
KEN G. OK, slice it in half vertically.
JEFF: Got it. What now?

KEN G. Now open up this link and look at the picture:

http://www.mushroomexpert.com/amanita_jacksonii.html

KEN G. This is either a puff ball, or a deadly amanita

http://www.mushroomexpert.com/puffballs.html

JEFF: Tox thought amanita didn't grow here?
KEN G. Oh no, they both grow here. I hope you sliced it vertically. Don't do it horizonatally - that got a guy killed a while ago.

HAPPY ENDING...
KEN G. Slicing open your puffball can keep you from eating a deadly Amanita button, since the future mushroom is clearly evident in cross-section (see the Amantia cross section illustration to the right on page above).
JEFF: That is so cool! This one is just a puffball! We're OK!
KEN G. Excellent. I saw some of these on the way to work this morning. I have a really good lasagne recipe for puffballs, would you like it?

JEFF GOES BACK TO ROOM 7, WHERE MOTHER IS NOW SCREAMING AT GRANDMA OVER CELL PHONE.
JEFF: (to crying mom): Things look OK here, ma'am. In fact, if you like lasagne - oh, never mind.
2 YEAR OLD: (now trying to steal Jeff's banana in coat pocket). Lasagna? Lasagna tastes good. Give me back mushroom.

++Anyway, sometimes a mushroom expert becomes the most important person in the world. Ken did all this gratis, and was an interesting guy to boot. So, ff you're looking for soap, and/or Karmic justice, you might check out this site.
http://www.herbariasoap.com/misc/terms.asp

Hopefully Steven's wallet-returning upstanding citizen will be similarly brought good fortune.

That is all.

that is a truly funny story... so how long did this take from the time she got in or the time she ate the mushroom to the time you figured out its not poison.. also how long does it take to die from eating one of those....

I'm sure that your more than intelligent doctors thought of that before you were googling soup to clean your dishes... just joking of course...

that truly is a good story and an excellent description of how it all went down

Jeff: Im curious. Are there specific things you would do if the mushroom was indeed poisonous? And .. would those things change depending on what kind of poisonous mushroom she ate? Why didn't you just make the assumption that it was poisonous (Amanita button?) and take the appropriate action just in case?

B: Each case can be different, but unfortunately, some toxins just aren't reversible, so you're left with desperate (and ineffective) maneuvers like sticking a tube through a kid's nose and pumping them full of charcoal (in a usually futile effort to absorb toxins).

Similarly, diagnoses often rely on end-stage events (playing out over days) that merely show how bad the liver failure is.

That's what was so beautiful about being able to figure out the mushroom ingestion details up front.

"The BEST way to cure [insert disease or malady of interest here] is to prove that a person does not HAVE it."

When I become old and garrulous, I suspect I'll repeatedly shout out phrases like the quote above. Consider yourself warned.